The Video Music Awards are not so much about who wins what anymore; it’s more about the drama that goes on behind the scenes, off and on stage and on your television. This list gives a moderately comprehensive list of the high and low points of the 2009 VMAs.

From the VMAs we have learned several things (that we may or may have not known from before):

1)      Russell Brand is not the best of hosts.
I thought Russell Brand was a poor choice of hosts this year. All he did was drool about famous pretty women in the audience and tell awkward erection jokes that were in poor taste. He had a few moments of hilarity (saying America lets everyone die in the street while in Britain everyone gets free health care may be the only one worth repeating, to be honest, and it was only an okay joke). Beyond that, I didn’t enjoy him being the master of ceremonies and he got nothing more than a “pfft” out of me.

2)     Fashion flubs shall forever make the preshow a great fun travesty to watch (and during the show too!)
Pink and Shakira were wearing the same dress, but luckily for them, they both looked great in it, though Shakira made a much more fashion forward move with the thigh high boots. Jennifer Lopez looked like she draped herself in her finest bed sheets before she took the stage. Russell Brand may have killed his future possible children from the sheer tightness of his pants. Pretty much every single rocker looked like they were going to Wal-Mart rather than performing. Nelly Furtado and Kristin Cavallari looked great, as did Beyonce. Chace Crawford was very sharp and Katy Perry looked a mess, as usual. Taylor Lautner looked very well put together as he always does, Robert Pattinson looked like a hobo, and Kristen Stewart once again proves that she leaves her house without checking a mirror with that hideous hairdo and dumpy dress. I don’t know enough about celebrities to go any further than these guys, but overall no one was really any better or worse than any other award ceremony.

3)      Michael Jackson will never die.
Let’s face it, anyone with a television has been bombarded with news of the now buried King of Pop, and we’re still getting a good deal of MJ news even now. In his final farewell of sorts, he was given a tribute of a “lifetime” by his sister and talented dancers who honored the pop great as the show’s opener. Janet Jackson rocked her routine and reprised her role from the original “Scream” music video alongside her brother on screen. Without a doubt, there was hardly a dry eye in the house.

 4)      Kanye West should be publically humiliated by everyone he’s offended.
Kanye West shall go down in history as entertainment’s biggest douchebag. His stunts no longer come as a shock to many viewers, but the fact that he continues to display such atrocious behavior has many people wondering if he’s off the wall insane. One would think the death of his own mother would humble him, or at least, shut him up while he grieved. Alas, Kanye proved the general public wrong once again by proving that he learns nothing, and shows that his obnoxious behavior will go uncorrected once again. He most certainly is a class A classless act. Acting a fool, that is. Urban Dictionary users snatched the chance to make something out of his unscheduled presentation, saying something has been “Kanye Wested” when something previously good got turned completely screwed over. I guess the required pun would fit here- how could you be so heartless?

5)      Taylor Swift has nerves of steel.
While not a fan of her music, I respect Taylor Swift in a whole new way after West’s antics. She went on in spite of his douchebaggery and gave a great performance within only minutes of the incident, without even a hint of bother. Thanks to Beyonce, classy as she is, she got her moment to deliver her speech the second time around, as she deserved. Not to mention she’s not even twenty years old yet shows that she’s already a great deal more mature than Kanye West will ever be.

6)      Twilight is freaking everywhere.
I don’t get the appeal of a horribly written book that has been made into a horribly thought out movie (soon to be a series of movies, sadly). Judging by the sharp increase of screams when the actors in the vapid series took the stage or when the mere mention of a name came up, I’m in the vast minority.  What’s even more depressing is that the series has garnered popularity among people old enough to see it for the drivel it is, and no doubt UCF’s own fans will flock to theatres the fateful day it comes out.

7)      Lady Gaga and Katy Perry will look like the poster girls for Halloween every day of the year.
This doesn’t even need further clarification.

8)      Lady Gaga is terrifying.
If Kanye wasn’t the unofficial headliner for turning heads, then Lady Gaga and her insane outfits would be. On the red carpet she was decked in something reminiscent of a storyline from a seventeenth century opera (with feathers that were about to eat her face). While performing, she had a wedding dress looking thing that may or may not have been ravaged by a velociraptor, and while accepting her award, she looked like what may have been an excellent impression of an exploded tampon. The camera flashed briefly to her when Beyonce let Taylor give her acceptance speech, and by then she looked like an unstuffed scarecrow. I was just too confused by that point to take any more notice. She’s taken eccentricity in music to scary new levels, and it works for her. Her performance was excellent, even though she looked like she was having a seizure while she was playing the piano. I’m a sucker for metaphors so I found her performance especially enjoyable, even though watching it made me feel like I was living in some weird existential wedding…Props to her for finding her niche and exploiting it to her benefit.

9)      Pink is quite the performer.
The entire VMAs was a circus without the help of Pink’s high flying acrobatics, but her feat was nonetheless impressive and added to the already theatrical quality of the VMAs. She may have brought back the infamous sticker on the booby look (and to be honest, that’s a look we should all let die) and I don’t see where it added anything to the performance. I mean, you’re hanging from a trapeze, gravity would most definitely take the opportunity to rip a sticker off your chest. The fact that you’re dangling 30 feet in the air may pale in comparison to missing the other half of your shirt.

10)   Whoever bleeps swearing has reflexes like lightning.
The beauty of live television is knowing that you can never be quite sure what will slip out, whether it be a slip of the tongue or a slip of…well, something else. I don’t know if there’s a delay or not but the fact that so many bleeps were heard in a live telecast was pretty impressive.

11)   Alicia Keys and Jay-Z were awesome.
New York remains the best place to be with a musical tribute by an excellent rapper and a great R&B singer and Lil Mama who thought she was special enough to join in out of nowhere. Keys’ voice and piano playing was top notch, and Jay-Z’s flow was so smooth and rich that together the two provided great entertainment for a great city.

12)   Beyonce is quite the performer
Diablo Cody Twittered that he could see her fallopian tubes in her leotard. Tight or not, it was quite the performance with her bevy of beauties behind her, all in sync. While the choreography is undoubtedly top notch, pretty much all they all did was thrust and wave. I enjoyed it, but then again, I enjoy pretty much almost everything Beyonce does so that doesn’t really count.

13)   Eminem’s eyebrows are in a permanent crease.
I think the man could crack a smile, even a half a smile, once in a while. I mean…come on. I think his angry face is his ONLY face. The stint with Tracey Morgan served as comic relief (one would think comic relief would have some aspects of comedy in it, but I digress) but Mathers’ permanent glare made it more

14)   Jay-Z may be hiding a crippling eye deformity or crazy super powers.
Sean Carter looked pretty okay on stage, but I’m still a little in the dark why he’s constantly wearing sunglasses. Are they hiding his optic blasts like Cyclops from the X-Men? Because if that was the case, that’d be awesome.

15)   You didn’t miss anything if you watched Facebook status updates.
If you didn’t get the chance to watch the VMAs first hand, you could have stayed completely in the know by refreshing your Facebook home page about once every ten minutes. Most common updates on my page included Kanye West, Lady Gaga, Beyonce, Taylor Swift and the New Moon trailer. Especially common were outraged remarks about Kanye’s ill treatment of Taylor Swift, by fans and non-fans alike. 

No one cares about who won anything. It was the surrounding drama that made the 2009 VMAs so lol-worthy, and one for the books. Hopefully nobody gets Kanye Wested next year.