The third installment in Stephenie Meyer’s ridiculous “vampire” series hit theaters on Wednesday and in spite of my better judgment I went to go see it this weekend.
Though I am in no way a fan of the series, I still chose to watch it. “Why would you subject yourself to such torture, Gabrielle?” you may ask. And honestly, I have no idea. I would compare my choice to seeing a horrible car accident on I-4: you know it’s horrible, but you’re passing by so you might as well look.
Another argument you may choose to follow is “Where is your world-renowned bestseller, Gabrielle?” While I may have no book deal, that does not mean I can’t criticize it, just like you don’t have to be a world class chef to criticize food, and you don’t have to own a car to think one is ugly. With that said, let’s continue into this review.
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In spite of my hatred for the series, I went into the theater with an open mind, willfully forgetting the over 600 pages of fluff and enthralling acts of mediocrity punctuated by insipid whining and brooding the movie was based on. Visually, this movie was far better than its two predecessors, which made it only slightly less painful to endure. The weak plot line remained obscure and stupid, and like the movies before it, and came too little, too late. The stiff acting from the last two movies reared its ugly head, with the main leads continuing to stare doe-eyed and awkwardly at each other. Some characters are pretty much assassinated in this installment, and others finally get a back story.
The basic plot of the movie is actually pretty simple: Edward proposes to Bella, but she is torn between her sparkly, abusive Edward, or not-sparkly, crazy Jacob. There’s that love triangle going on there as the main plot, and underneath, there’s the subplot of Victoria, the ginger vampire from the first book, returning to try and kill Bella for being the cause of her mate’s death. She makes a bunch of new vampires to fight them, they lose, the Volturi step in and do nothing (again), the war is over, Bella accepts the marriage proposal and no one learns anything or grows as a character, or does anything interesting, at all.
High Points
Even in something as horrid as Twilight, the high points, though rare, are there (in very limited supply). I especially enjoyed the back story of Rosalie and Jasper, and I think it was pretty well done, all things considered. However, there is something seriously wrong when the past lives of the accessory characters are more interesting than the current lives of the main characters.
With regards to CGI, Eclipse far outranks its predecessors. Maybe the directors could afford better effects this time around because they didn’t have to pay for wardrobe for the entire Quileute tribe. Again, the sparkling thing the vampires in this series do, improved from last time, but just seemed to remind me of glitter acne. Some bits of CGI seemed choppy or cartoony but overall, it was pretty solid. Actor wise, I liked everybody except the main cast (more on them later), and especially enjoyed was Charlie, Bella’s father, who actually acts like an awkward dad should. Burke is a great actor, but sadly, not enough to balance out the suck of the people with the most screen time.
Low Points
Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan has all the personality of a deflated blow up doll and delivers her lines ineptly and devoid of any emotion or conviction. She stares blankly at everything and only provides minimal action. Like I said before, she has one facial expression, and it serves for every single feeling she can muster. Is she happy? Angry? Distraught? The world may never know.
Robert Pattinson reprised his role as the moody, abusive Edward Cullen, and since the first movie, his accent has improved. Also like the first movies, he looks like he’s had a run of food poisoning and may need to run to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea at any given moment. Taylor Lautner as Jacob is pretty much the only one of the main three that looks like he isn’t in pain, despite the character assassination he undergoes (from caring best friend in New Moon to forcing himself on a taken woman. Ugh.) He had a handful of witty lines which I suppose served to appease the Team Jacob fans (“I’m hotter than you”…really.)
Like always, my biggest beef with this whole thing is the messages it presents. Twilight taught us that you can fall in love so true at the drop of a hat because one person is hot and the other smells good. New Moon taught us that we must all be in a relationship to be whole, and to try and kill ourselves otherwise. Eclipse further cements the fact the author is not only crazy, but really has clueless concerning the content of her books.
In Eclipse, we see Edward rip out the engine to Bella’s truck to keep her away from her best friend, Jacob. I don’t know if I’m the only one who thinks this is a thinly veiled, romanticized case of abuse, but it is. If my significant other was to break into my house to watch me in my sleep without me knowing (as in Twilight), threaten suicide if I was to leave him (New Moon) and destroy my car to prevent me from seeing my friend, I would beat him over the head with whatever blunt object was in reach and get out, fast. But that’s just me. This appeals to people, so maybe I’m the one missing something.
In Eclipse we also learn about imprinting, the process whereby male werewolves find true love or some nonsense, and this shows Meyer is either completely insane, or unbelievably misogynistic. Imprinting is basically a male werewolf falling in love with a female without her even knowing. Once the male werewolf imprints, he’s dedicated for life. If I understand this correctly, that means any person who imprints on a female toddler will, in one single lifetime, be their brother, their best friend, and their lover. All three, maybe even at the same time. It’s conveniently left out that Quil, one of the wolves from the tribe, and I think is 15 or 16 at the time, recently imprinted on a girl named Claire, who, at the time, is two years old.
TWO. Two! What?!
It’s revolting in every sense of the word and should have never left Stephenie Meyer’s crazy brain. Upon the mentioning of this concept, and bringing it to film, I was really hoping Chris Hansen (from To Catch a Predator) or at least, Pedobear, would make an appearance. Sadly, neither did, and I continued to be horrified at the whole thing anyway.
Bias aside, Eclipse was far better than Twilight, and miles ahead of New Moon. I’d give it a three out of ten overall. All that said, I absolutely cannot wait for both installments of Breaking Dawn, and how dreadful that’ll be.
