Yo, y-chromosomed folk, I see you’ve waited until the last minute to buy Christmas gifts.
It’s cool, maybe you were too busy reviving the cold fish that is your semester GPA to shop. Maybe you weren’t.
You see, holidays. They’re hard. And braving the mall less than a week before Christmas is a circus where all the acrobats have gone mad, the bearded lady just got carried off by a lion and somewhere someone is rage-slinging stale pretzels the size of your head.
Luckily, I come bearing gifts. And not the kind that will leave you alone in a Victoria’s Secret, slack-jawed, staring up at Candice Swanepoel whilst 13-year-olds paw their grabby hands through the underwear you were supposed to buy your girlfriend.
God, the sins I would commit to have those gazelle-like gams.
What were we talking about?
Right. Presents. Gifty-gift. Good tidings to all and what not.
Point is, you can do this thing.
This thing that is gifting to the fairer sex.
Let’s do this.
1. Vestige Lipstick Holder
Fact: women adore random desk baubles. And admittedly, a lipstick holder is about as utilitarian as a beer helmet. But who are you to turn down a beer helmet? I didn’t think so.
2. Bite Beauty Mix N’ Mingle Lip Minis
Us ladies are no fools. We have our signature holiday red lipstick stashed in the back of our beauty drawer. Its formula is sacred and not to be messed with. Stick to the basics. This Retsina/Musk combo is a shoo-in for everyday beauties. And its packaged to be hung as an ornament. Win.
3. Fresh Seaberry Moisturizing Face Oil Ornament
I won’t bother to explain the voodoo magic that organic oils have on women’s skin. Just take my word for it. All you need to remember here is the winning one-two punch: beauty product + ornament form = happy times had by all.
4. Mini Confetti Crackers
Perfect for those seedling stage relationships that aren’t quite ready for more than a heartfelt card. Or perhaps, for your favorite female comrade. Bonus points for cracking these open when the ball drops.
5. Metallic Porcelain Zebra Dish
Sometimes, I like to pretend that he he he I’m mature and ho ho ho organized. But the truth is, dear gents, female tidiness comes down to our ornate ability to disguise immense piles of useless junk inside other useless junk. It’s a vortex of sorts really. And look-y there, did you say it’s a desk bauble too?
6. The Fashionable Cocktail by Jane Rocca
For the entertainer in your life. Or, perfect for mom – if yours is a booze sponge like mine. Pages of mischievous and elegant illustrations make this book the perfect centerpiece for the many spirited occasions to come this holiday season.
7. LuLu DK Indigo Temporary Jewelry Tattoos
You know those metallic body tattoos you see the girls wearing on game days? These are them. The quintessential stocking stuffer for kid sisters, twenty-somethings and lady friends with a flair for the flashy. Give the gift of silver and gold without paying an arm and a leg for it.
8. Kate Spade Boxed Glitter Stud Earrings
Jeweled things will never steer you wrong. Hence the need for said zebra dishes (female vortex ya’ll). Keep the mood festive with these Kate Spade studs. Because glitter.
An everyday essential and they’re only $2.90? Godspeed my friend.
10. Tech Accessories
Cell phone cases, earbuds and other tech accessories are always a no-brainer. Well, if they’re cute. Fortunately, this J. Crew case fits the bill.
11. Voluspa 2-Wick Candles
A candle that looks just as lovely as it smells, she’ll be sure to repurpose the container long after it’s done burning. And please fellas, no more products that smell like some mixture of sugarfat elf butter. The realization that we’ve had our faces horizontally plunged in a plate of pie since November is torture enough.
12. Cheers! Paper Coaster Set
At times, the jolly white fat man starts to take a toll on our mental faculties; and thus, we need a little champagne to keep us afloat. Keep the libations of your loved ones well-accessorized with these cheerful coasters.
13. Kate Spade 2015 17-Month Agenda
Give the practical girl in your life a gift that she’ll actually use. Like this 17-month agenda. And with the New Year right around the corner, chances are she’s on the hunt for one already. Kudos to those who write well wishes in the ‘notes’ section for her to discover later. You casanova, you.