The Cinematography

Having read the book, I expected to be in the theater for two whole hours routinely checking my Facebook and constructing To-Do lists on my phone. I mean, the book was slow, so of course, the movie proved no different.


The acting was even stiffer than the last movie, making the Cullens seem like the most awkward, antisocial family in the history of awkward, antisocial families. They didn’t interact well at all, seeming more like subpar acquaintances rather than a family that has spanned a bit under a century.

The lines were horrendously sappy and I cringed every time the leads said something to each other, because 99% of the time is was corny and schmaltzy and sugary enough to cause new onset diabetes.

The makeup was a little better than the last time, as the people in charge actually remembered to adequately pour flour on their necks to maintain the whole “pale as a sheet” thing that the vampires in this stupid movie are supposed to be.

Kristen Stewart, literally, and quite honestly, only has ONE face. Seriously, just one face, and it’s a cross between constipation, a pout, and bitterness. Regardless of the emotion she’s trying to convey that face stays the same. I guess it suits the character she plays as she whines vapidly throughout. She delivers lines in either one of two ways: shrill and angry, or depressed and monotone.

Robert Pattinson still looks like a foot, but his fake accent sounds a lot better this time around, possibly because he didn’t have very many speaking lines this time. Perhaps he was inspired by Hugh Laurie as House. The sparkling effect looked less like sweat this time around and more like a giant human shaped disco ball. Practice makes perfect, I suppose. Maybe they’ll get it next time?

The Content

Well, Bella’s the biggest wuss in the history of female lead characters. Far be it for her to get a grip on her sad little life and move on without her precious sparkly Edward. No, she sits around and cries herself to sleep at night and makes no effort to get over it. She’s a weak, sniveling little so-and-so with absolutely no backbone and even less willpower. Little girls are reading/watching this? Seriously? Basically Meyer’s saying attempt suicide if your boyfriend leaves you.

Worse yet, Kristen Stewart is encouraging this madness, as she said that this behavior was okay in a recent interview, saying that girls should “be extreme”. I really hope she doesn’t mean extreme to the point of suicide attempts or taking off to Italy without notifying parents.

Jacob Black took over Edward’s role as the resident angry manic depressive who hates himself then hates other stuff in a vicious cycle. Edward was happily absent in the whole movie, presumably en route to Italy or something. All the other wolf guys (whose names I don’t care to know) were decent, they did what they were supposed to (exist, kill evil vampire guy Laurent, and that’s it).

Laurent now, well, Laurent is all sorts of awesome. He tried to kill the whining lead character and would have too if it wasn’t for those meddling kids dressed as stupid dogs. But, since a sad ending would not fit any mold, he dies, and now we wait for the next hint of anything involving a plot.

Anyway, the movie was slow, just like the book. It revolved around the horribly shallow exploits of a horribly shallow pair of people. I’ve had more fun watching my phone charge.

I was thoroughly amused by the first scene where Jacob wolfed himself—the CGI was passable, but to my knowledge of the classical mythical werewolf, they’re supposed to be half man, half wolf, not a giant dog. I don’t know why that surprises me though, since Meyer pretty much spit on classic vampire lore. Why not add another mythical creature to the list of myths to poop on?

I’m a huge fan of puns but the wolf ones were utterly lame, and I’m sure the writers could have come up with something a little less campy. It was decent comic relief, I suppose, I’ll give it that much.

The dialogue was boring and choppy and could have flowed more smoothly if the actors actually pretended like they tolerated each other. Like the previous movie, the flowery language was completely unnecessary, as no teenager on this planet speaks like Bella thinks. I can excuse Edward since he’s old, but not Bella. Since it’s a movie aimed at a younger audience, there was no swearing, but instead, the cast threw around “what the HELL” (with the same awkward emphasis) when something stronger (or saying nothing) would have made more sense.

By the middle of the movie I was fidgeting with my phone due to utter boredom and zoned back in when the Volturi was on the scene. It didn’t matter though, since nothing had happened. I thought the Volturi was okay in this installment, but they were just awful in the last book…but for this movie, they sufficed. Aro reminded me of a crazier Dumbledore, and that’s probably the only reason I could tolerate him. He was cast well. Dakota Fanning was pretty okay as well, but I’m not attached either way. I’d say in general the Volturi did the job, but not the job of being dynamic characters.

Jessica Stanley is probably even shallower than Edward and Bella’s relationship, as evidenced by that stream of words that came out her mouth in the scene before Bella’s almost-rape. All the words in the world, and yet she said absolutely nothing. I could jump in a puddle of her and not get my feet wet.

The only character with any sort of depth is Charlie since he acts like what a parent should. Otherwise, everyone was pretty much a snore.

Given the source material, the plot was expectedly weak, and I was hoping that additions on the part of the directors would hopefully spice it up even a little bit just to move it along. The only spicing up that was done was additions of lines that weren’t in the original manuscript, and even that was mediocre at best.

Conclusion? Unless you like really bad chick flicks with shallow characters and zero plot, zero character development, and zero enjoyment, then New Moon isn’t the movie for you. I think it deserves a 1 out of 10, only because of the haul it made on opening weekend (never doubt the obsessiveness of tween fan girls in large, annoying groups), but that’s just quantity, not quality.

I know I’m in a very small minority when I say this, but the Twilight series (I refuse to call it a saga – by definitions, Twilight is only a series, nothing more) is easily one of the most boring, lame books I’ve read, and the movies were just as horrible. Save your money. Go watch paint dry instead.